


Change time yourself

by Queerlilfella



Category: The Old Guard (Movie 2020)
Genre: Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, References to Depression
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-10
Updated: 2020-08-10
Packaged: 2021-03-06 08:01:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,179
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25830103
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Queerlilfella/pseuds/Queerlilfella
Summary: Booker knows he's not doing well...he thinks he's going to do even worse when the team leaves him to fend for himself for 100 years
Comments: 2
Kudos: 69





	Change time yourself

**Author's Note:**

> Just a short something I made up...my L died somewhere in between so if anyone knows how to fix a keyboard help would be appreciated XD
> 
> Also please seek help if you're feeling depressed or are battling addiction

Some days he just hurts.  
Deep inside him there seems to be broken glass poking into his intestines and everyone around him seems unable or unwilling to glue it back together.  
On the days his heart seems to be bleeding out his flask becomes his best friend. It doesn't make the feeling better, but it numbs the terrible, terrible world around him just enough to be satisfying.  
He notices the looks the others are giving him, knows they worry about his self destructive habits. Or at least about the ones they notice.  
They don't know about all the times he's died without anyone other than himself hurting him. They suspect that his eating habits are weird, but none of them know how many times he's starved when they weren't there, the amount of times he's overdosed on one drug or the other.  
He knows they're wondering sometimes, about just what is going on in his head. But they never ask. Instead he feels their looks when he's putting something into his teacup at noon, the way they hastily look away when he's looking up. They always look away.  
It's even worse during winter, which is when the oldest of his children died. The rest of the team know about that- they were there after all. He doesn't feel like they were there for him, but they were physically present, and maybe that counts for something, too.  
He'd hoped to find a way to end this life, he'd been so desperately trying to find something, anything to end his misery, to finally join his family and to leave this shitshow modern society called life behind for good.  
He regrets it, though, when they find out there's someone else on their team now. Regrets it even more when he finds out Andy, the one he felt closest to on the team, is mortal after he shot her. Doesn't fight when they get him too. He's done fighting, has been for many many years.  
The words the others are spewing at him hurt, sure. But they don't hurt as much as all these years alone. Also they're expected. He's always been bad at judging situations. Why would this one be any different?  
He still feels bad about doing it, even though his reasons remain. He just wanted to escape this, he never expected THIS, and he knows that Copley didn't either.

When the whole fiasco is over and all of them are out of the labs he's cowering as close to the door of the car as he can, kind of hoping Joe is going to open the door to shove him out onto the street. It doesn't happen. What happens instead is the others taking their fine time to talk about what they want to do with him now. It's excruciating, looking over the water he's looked over so many times in his life.  
Nile is the first to join him. He likes her, hopes she's getting a better start into this long life than he had. He's told her about his family dying, and he would bet a lot that she's more clever about this situation than he was. Still he prays to a god he knows won't listen that she doesn't have to endure the same pain he had to endure.  
They talk for a while and he tries not to cry right then. Feeling the way he did was bad enough, but feeling that way alone...whatever punishment the rest was thinking of in there would feel like another eternity.  
When Andy's coming out to talk to him he knows that's it. She tells him Nile wanted to let him get away with an excuse and he huffs, wishing he still had that naivete that came with that age. Kind of wishes the others did, too.

He knows they don't- he'd met them when all of them had lost that already. Doesn't mean 100 years hurt any less. Doesn't mean knowing he'll probably never see Andy hurts any less. He doesn't dare close his eyes when he hugs her, working hard enough on holding his feelings back as it is, already.  
He only nods at Joe and Nicky, knows neither of them are ready to forgive him yet, the hurt the other had to endure still sitting too deep.  
Then he's alone. And god, it hurts even more than he'd thought would be possible. He dies a dozen times before he's made it to Paris, hoping he doesn't wake every damn time.  
He doesn't remember the first couple days he spent in Paris, getting lost in this city, his thoughts, his addictions. Nile gave him her phone number. He knows she means well, that she knows more about mental health than Andy or even the boys. But calling her within the first couple weeks would feel like even more of a failure, so he doesn't.  
She texts him, though, and he notices how he's looking forward to waking up sober more and more only to look at the stupid little pictures she's sending him.  
A couple weeks pass and he doesn't dare ask her about the others. She sends him the address of a couple of therapists in Paris, it wasn't hard to guess where he went first, he thinks with a smile.  
It takes him another couple months to actually go there. He only does it after waking up to a young boy looking down at him worriedly and being reminded of his son. It hurts more than it should, even after all this time.

The therapy sessions take a lot out of him, at first, but after some time he notices how he needs to drink less, how this society seems less horrible and more tolerable than he ever thought would be possible.  
It's good, and it makes him call Nile for the first time since he's left.  
He wants to thank her, and she can hear a smile in his words she's never actually seen.  
Nicky and Joe are sitting next to her while she's talking to her, without him knowing of course, and she can see a little content smile on both their faces. After telling Booker they'll hear each other next week and putting the phone down she realizes that 100 years aren't a sentence or a punishment as she'd originally thought.  
It's rehab, kind of. And Booker simply was the one who'd needed it the most.  
Looking at the way Nicky and Joe are telling Andy about the call she also realizes- 100 years are for Booker to find himself again, and he's probably going to need them all, but it's not gonna keep them from seeing him.  
Because even though Joe might still hold a little grudge all of them miss him.

When Booker puts the phone down he lets out a little laugh. He'd heard the rustling that told him that someone else was listening in. And he knew now, after his much needed therapy sessions, that those people cared about him.  
Suddenly a hundred years didn't seem that bad.


End file.
